It's been awhile since our last Justin update. I wish I had more of an update, but, unfortunately, I don't have much. This is really more of a personal update. It’s been tough to open up about and I really struggled with whether or not to share my story. But someone out there may need to hear it.
We just relocated to Decatur, Texas, so we had to put everything on hold with doctors and therapist. We have located a few ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) Centers but it's a matter of insurance at this point. We can't really move forward with getting Justin enrolled with a center until either our insurance approves it (and all other autism-related therapies/doctors) or we find Justin a separate policy that will cover it. In the meantime, I have reached out to ECI for services so that he can at least get started with SOMETHING. I have also been in touch with the Special Education Director with Decatur ISD for when Justin is 3 years old - so at least I've got that ball rolling.
Here is what's been going on with our family since my last blog post...
At the beginning of November, Jason moved into our new home in Decatur to get the house painted and work on some repairs before the kids and I moved in. This allowed for Annabelle to finish her semester at school and for me to wrap up the year with my clients. Being separated from my husband was extremely rough on the kiddos and I - mostly Justin. The entire month of November and some of December was very difficult for him. The kids and I moved in with my in-laws again, and Jason tried to come visit us once or twice a week. The kids and I also traveled to Decatur some weekends to see Jason and start unpacking. So, being away from his Daddy, shuffling between homes, traveling, and autism - it was HARD for Justin. Did I mention that there was also a some of ear infections, sinus infections, and a couple rounds of strep throat mixed in there?
Most days, Justin screamed from the time he woke up until the time he went to bed. Public outings became a nightmare. Playing the guessing game of "What Does Justin Need" had been played to the point of tears. We were and still are having a hard time determining when Justin is over-stimulated, upset because we can't figure out what he wants, or just flat-out throwing a toddler-sized-tantrum. When it starts, Annabelle immediately covers her ears because his screaming hurts. My in-laws have seen me lose my temper and cry and it's completely embarrassing.
I'm gonna get real and personal for a minute.
A long-time friend, who has a 20-year old autistic son, told me when all of this began, that I HAD to take care of myself. Well, when you're a parent to any child - special needs or not - taking care of yourself is usually the LAST on our list. As parents, we keep pushing forward and do what needs to be done.
But, man, was she right.
I'm not someone who has ever really suffered from depression. On occasion, yes, I would feel down and shut the world out, but I always snapped out of it. I've always considered myself an upbeat, bubbly kind of person. My sister tells me I'm always the cheerleader in the family. My belief was that a pill couldn't fix my problems.
I don't even know when it began... I'm guessing it was probably around the time we began Justin's diagnosis process. I was going DAYS without showering to the point that I couldn't even remember when I had showered last. I was staying up well into the early morning so that I could zone out in silence. Then attempt to sleep a few hours to then endure a day of screaming. I had to force myself to get out of bed. I wasn't answering phone calls or texts (I'm still struggling with that...) I was crying all the time, losing my patience with the kids, and snapping at Jason for no reason at all. I would roll out of bed, barely brush my dirty hair, brush my teeth and go. I looked like a homeless person. The day I realized I had to do something was the day I didn't send my daughter to school because I just couldn't get it together to help get her homework done the night before. I was taking care of my kids the best I could but I wasn't giving them my best because I wasn't taking care of myself. I felt completely alone. Hopeless. Worthless.
I wasn't snapping out of this one alone. I needed help.
I made an appointment, went and pretended it was just a standard physical. When the doctor was about to walk out, I finally got enough courage to speak up. I swallowed my pride and accepted that I did, in fact, need some medicine. Not to fix my problems - but to help me feel better so now I can face them. It wasn't until Christmas Day that I finally admitted to Jason I was taking anti-depressants. Why? I don't know. I guess I was afraid he would think that I was weak. As he proof-read this post for me, it was really the first he's heard (or read) how hard of a time I was having. I guess I was too embarrassed to admit it to him.
Today, I am beginning to feel SO MUCH BETTER and more like myself. I still get overwhelmed and frustrated, but I'm handling it all more rationally. If you ever feel like you just can't - please seek help. It's OK. It doesn't mean that you're weak. Speaking up and admitting my depression was one of the hardest things I've ever needed to admit. Please don't ever get to the point that you're just surviving.
I know this is all temporary and that things will calm down. The outpouring love and support that we've received from our friends and family has been overwhelming and I think this entire process has been so humbling because of all of the love we have received. Lord knows that this has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, and even though I've cried, yelled, lost my temper, looked for any reason to escape my kids for even 5 minutes alone - I am trying to stay centered for my guy and for my family. And Jason - that man. He is my strength. If it wasn't for him, I don't know how I could walk this road. We've laughed about Justin, we've cried about Justin, we've expressed our anger we sometimes feel. But, together, we are stronger.
A huge thank you to all of you who have reached out, prayed, sent messages - your kind words mean so much. 2019 will be great. I plan on working on this blog more, getting my health on track, and rocking this year!
P.S. We added JoJo Roberts to the family. She's ADORBS.
Love you guys so much ❤️ ��
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